MY IMPOSTER.
There’s nothing as bad as feeling out of place. The undeserving feeling of a place or position.That feeling that brews deep in you no matter how hard you try to conceal. It’s present in everyday life. It makes you apprehensive. This inner critic makes it seem like you are in someone else’s realm. It strips you of comfort and confidence. It takes over quite slowly. It sneaks up on you, slowly like a tendril around a tree. Like misery, it thrives in silence where it slices you into pieces.
The Imposter syndrome does a number on everyone. It exposes you to a caliber of vulnerability never explored before. As a woman in a corporate space, the imposter syndrome has pulled a couple on me. I had never experienced it until my new job. I went from being the bubbly girl to suffering from episodes of anxiety. My subconscious repeatedly told me that I did not deserve to be seated in that seat let alone reporting to my superior.
My imposter syndrome manifested in several ways. I became rude, I am abrasive by nature but this was on a whole other level. I became defensive and would retreat into a sulking mood when corrected. Aside from making me insecure, my imposter syndrome made me question the choices I had made ages ago. From lifestyle to the friendships I had made over the years.
I have been advised that getting in the know is one of the most important ways of tackling this syndrome. I only need to understand the nature of my work not at face value but in-depth and that would be my cure. I also need to break the silence, speak out on the areas that I need help. This will help alleviate the feeling.
I am thankful for the fact that in this new chapter I had to suffer from this. I am grateful for the fact that It came early in my career. I am forever indebted to the Imposter syndrome for choosing me. I have and I am learning a lot on the subject and also my response to it.
For now aluta continua.